Married Life, Motherhood, Parenthood

Torrential Downpours…

The day that I found out I was pregnant was April Fool’s day. I kinda wasn’t interested in finding out for awhile because although we were trying to conceive, we were so broke that I often couldn’t comprehend why I even was bothering. We’d gotten married a year before & married life didn’t look “shit!” like I thought it would. Let’s sum up what happened within two months of being married so you feel my pain.

Five days before my wedding I was terminated from my (somewhat) comfy job as a restaurant manager where I’d been for 6 yrs. They let me go a day after my work anniversary. In between tears to my now ex bosses, I asked if I would still be receiving my vacation pay considering I actually made it to my anniversary. They gave it to me although I knew I had earned it regardless. (Although they later on tried to take it back!) My wedding was supposed to be this amazing event that I created without a wedding planner or caterer. It was a 4/20 Hip Hop Wedding. Since it was during cherry blossom season I decided I wanted to get married underneath the Cherry Blossom Trees in Eastside Park ( the park I grew up in as a child). Plus it had been a childhood dream of mine to be married there. The only way I believed it wouldn’t happen was if there was a torrential downpour. The night before the wedding forecasts showed there would be a torrential downpour ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ……………………… So as I prepared to go to my reception venue to have the wedding there (as a backup plan), I arrived that morning to a flooded building! I don’t even want to discuss how when I went the day before to set up, there were 2 parties going on (one had a blowup jungle gym) along with a woodshop class happening in my area! My venue promised me I’d have it a day earlier to setup. The woodshop class happened throughout my wedding by the way! We set up while being soaked and many of the guests never arrived. Anywho that story is for another day. After the wedding ( because I never hired a caterer or a planner) we had to break the entire venue all the way back down and return products and such everywhere. We had almost 200 people attend. We weren’t done until 5am returning everything. The next day we were supposed to fly out to Vegas for our honeymoon. We missed our flight which happened to be the last flight of the night ( causing a $250 fee to change flights). I cried myself to sleep that night. We flew out the next morning and had an amazing 3 wk stay in an awesome town with awesome people! But what was going to happen when I came back home? My mind wouldn’t let me commit to just having a good time. I needed to file for unemployment with a 3 hour time difference & try to figure my way out of a jam I felt like I created. Thank God for husbands & particularly mine. He kept me calm throughout the entire experience & made me remember why I loved him each step of the way.
When we got back home we had 3 wks to move out of our apartment. We lived there for 3 years & planned on moving into my mother’s house so we could inevitably take it over once she retired in a year. We also wanted to have a bigger space for my husband’s daughter Robyn. Initially I never wanted to do so much all at once. Moving 3 wks after a honeymoon sounded insane but considering I had no job & my lease was up I had all the time in the world to get this done. We ended up moving out with no one to help us move a single piece of furniture. A one day job took us three and it rained on our heads the entire time. After we moved into our new home (my home from my teenage years) my stepdaughter graduated from 8th grade three weeks later & basically never returned to her mother’s home. I officially became a stepmother. And there you have the two months that came in the case of a torrential downpour.

I’d lived my life so care free most of the time. I never had to be too concerned with anyone other than my happiness. I’ve always been able to fumble backwards into the sheer terror of being an actual adult. It’s like once you have children you don’t get that luxury anymore. It doesn’t matter what age they come to you as. Your responsibility becomes all about them & less about you.

The first month of highschool was tough for Robyn & a huge adjustment for me. In the first week Robyn decided to tell us that they wanted their major changed from medical arts to graphic arts. The challenges of all the newness going on for me, this child & my husband was beyond overbearing. Not to mention we lived with my mother only a doorstep away. Was this the life I signed up for? Was this how it was going to be for me now? I had a 13 yr old child going on 14 who at times seemed like they were going on 10! How could I raise someone else’s child? I barely could comprehend myself.

I stopped taking my birth control a month before my wedding. It wasn’t on purpose though. Somehow I changed my insurance coverage to a plan that made my pills cost $427 for a pack of 3. I damned near almost shit my pants at the price and began crying. This was 3 months before my wedding. I couldn’t even begin to fathom where the money would come from to pay it. So I stopped taking my pills. Once we got a child in the house I had to question if I wanted another. As pleasant as my stepchild was, this was no walk in the park. Life became cleaning up after a child that was larger than me! It meant extra dishes. Never having a meal that completely belonged to myself. Opening a box of cereal to see a quarter bowl of wackness. Drips of milk left in cartons for my despair. One egg left in a carton for my breakfast. Filthy rooms that reeked of a new smelling sweat. Extra laundry. Sharing all my toiletries including my shaving supplies, my hair supplies, my special soap I bought at that festival that I wanted to use for a special occasion!! Did I want to share my life this way!?!?!? I’d like to say Hell to the MFn NO!!! You take everything about a partner when you marry them though. But could I deny my husband what we both agreed upon wanting?? Another child to start from scratch with. I couldn’t choose the sex of the child??? Hmmmmm. After much hesitation I decided that if I were going to have a child that I needed to start working on it no matter the consequences. No matter the financial struggles, no matter the costs! I wasn’t getting any younger. That was November of 2015 by March I was pregnant. In the words of the Wu-Tang Clan, “Life as a shorty shouldn’t be so rough.” I had 9 months to figure out what I would do to support this seed I was growing. I needed to figure out how to survive.

April Fool’s bitch! U pregnant today! This was the first April Fool’s day I stayed offline. No need in tricking people into me being pregnant when I really was. The entire time since we’d gotten married people began keeping tabs on my vagina & it’s occupancy specifically in my uterus. I wasn’t here for it in 2016. I was about go “Ghost” on social media because this was about to be the adjustment of a lifetime! And this baby growing in my belly had better been a boy because I definitely didn’t need an extra period in the house!๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ I began drinking a ton of akaline water & praying for a boy! A year later I’m sitting here trying to adjust to this little person that’s completely attached to me. As much as I’d like a break, I’m still memorized by this little creation. I guess torrential downpours can be something that pushes you into a new state of Light per se. And this year April Fool’s day is still null and void because I’m still trying to catch my breath.

Who you gonna be today?

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