My soul is changing. I can feel it. I’m a couple of months completely out of postpartum and it feels nice but now my brain feels bogged down. My heart feels heavy with the ways of the world. My soul feels elevated yet trapped in a desolate space. It’s no fun living like this. In a constant need to break free. I try to figure out ways to walk away from things that no longer serve me but the challenge is hard when you have so much time invested in them.
Things have changed in my world completely. Last year I joined an amazing program that brought me together with women where I was able to interact and express from a safe space. I graduated from that program in the spring. I’m celebrating 3 yrs in an amazing book club that is truly my safest space to allow my artistic self to flow. My husband became disabled causing him to be out of work & inevitably quitting his job. My mother abruptly sold my 2nd childhood home that I resided in with my family. It sold the day of my graduation. I was still in mourning about watching my 1st home burn to the ground only 6 months earlier. I’ve lost family members, newborns and adults alike. Funerals and tears, anxiety and despair, hope and commitment are all things that I had to endure. I’ve spent too much time consoling others. Leaving just enough for me to get up in the morning. I’m tired. 2018 had me tired.
From it all I’ve learned that it’s important to just let some things go. That when things burn up sometimes they were meant to. There’s this freedom that my spirit is yearning for. It feels like it’s trying to play with the child within me. Remeniscent of the innocense of my youth, I’m fighting for it’s freedom. It’s like my ancestors are trying to reach out and tell me it’s okay to leave the baggage behind. The action alone will make my walk into the future much lighter. I’ve been trying to free up some space but my mind, soul and heart have this war going on between them. My mind has been winning alot which is not good. It then turns my love and attention into silence and rejection. It’s unhealthy and I can see it because my mind is just that alert. Meanwhile, my heart tells me of loving actions that I could be doing to fix some of my egotistical issues.
As I find pieces of me laid out underneath old clothes I haven’t worn in years I wonder what specifically am I holding on to? My thoughts are all intact yet I don’t seem to have it all together yet. The plans for my life are but mere dreams that I’ve conjured up to get started on tomorrow but tomorrow never comes & today looks like it’s about to end.
I’m laying in bed trying to fall asleep but truthfully I’m just trying to escape my 2 yr old son because he’s the wildest creature this side of my atmosphere. I love him but he tends to subconsciously (or moreso consciously) make me want to escape. It’s just so I can clear my mind of all these thoughts. Get my ideas out. In order to live out this life in the most untraditional of ways I must be allowed to be the artist I always knew myself to be. Sometimes it may involve hurting someone’s feelings. Other times it’s just about being brutally honest with myself.
Brutally honest Jwa would say that this year of 2019 began with me watching an R. Kelly docuseries that triggered the shit out of me. It’s a strong individual to own the trauma they’ve endured and choose to work through it. I have now gotten to a space where I have to accept who I am and the culture I come from. The two are not far removed from one another. I also have to accept my parents for who they are and who they are not! Brutally honest Jwa would say that my daughter broke my heart into a million pieces last year & it’s been rather difficult trying to put it back together again. Fear made me stop writing about it because I didn’t want to share something so personal. It’s like allowing someone to abuse you over and over again. Mental, Spiritual, Emotional or Physical abuse should never be allowed. Is it ok because they are your child? Is there a standard if they’re your stepchild and they came with their own set of baggage from broken people with broken souls?
There’s love that I need & a certain love of things I need to walk away from. I’ve been trying to reclaim my time lately and I think it’s beginning to come together. I just sit back and hum alot.
“Slowly… Surely… I walk away from
That old desperate and tainted love
Caught up in the maze of love, the crazy craze of love
Thought it was good
Thought it was real
Thought it was
But it wasn’t love
I just don’t know where I should go”
Who u gonna be today?