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Light the Emcee – Light’z Lounge Vol​.​1

Amazing beats and great lyrics from the hubby himself!

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The New Jersey spitter takes us into his world of lab sessions with a slew of dope artists who got together and seemingly had a good time creating over some choice selections. Don’t sleep on Light the Emcee, dude is nasty on the mic. Pay what you like.

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Childhood, Parenthood

Yes 2 Today~ (T.R.O.Y)

My childhood home burned to the ground last week. It was demolished within 48 hours. I lived there from the day I was born until I turned 15. My grandparents moved out less than 5 years ago. I’ve spent the other half of my life moving back and forth from NY to NJ. I always ended back at my second childhood home throughout my life. That home is only 8 blocks from my first home.

I didn’t walk past my old place as much as I could’ve. I did however walk past it one day after having Baby Light. It was a dreary day in June and the sun was going down. I’d just realized that my step child had skipped school and hid in their bedroom for the entire day. With the anger and frustration from the situation I strapped 5 month old Baby Light to me and just began walking.

When I ended up on my old block I immediately ran into someone from my grammar school on the corner. At this point my husband had met up with me, I’d been out for awhile. During our journey, I told him many stories about my childhood & growing up on the block. Reminiscing of chalk stained cement from hopscotch, trees that I hid behind during hide & seek, tied rope to porches to utilize jumping double dutch with only two people & getting my bike stolen, a slew of memories had gone into an abyss of happiness & mystification.

Some people don’t get the comfort of having things stay the same for such a long period of time. It shaped my adult life. Dreams always related back to those times inside of love, despair, trauma, pain, excitement and every multifaceted area of my life as a young person. I’d always looked at the house as if it had more meaning than it should. It appeared to have a soul when it did not. Two entire decades from the last century were spent there. I guess the memories gave it life. If those walls could speak, they would know to hush.

It burned so badly that it connected to the two other homes it stood next to. Those 2 homes carried many memories of me running in backyards to different cookouts from my neighbors. I enjoyed tons of conversations straight from my windows with best friends. I knew every family on the block & had been in every house. The 80’s and 90’s still had this family aspect where everyone looked out for everyone without a second thought. The intuitiveness of just being genuine came from not having WiFi or so many shows to watch, news to influence & social media to judge.

The home burning to the ground though…
Feels like a person I forgot to speak to for a long time but still fantasized about. Feels like someone I told myself that I’d forgiven for any pain they caused but the scars still keloid. Feels like the walls had too many secrets to hold and the happiest of times couldn’t reconcile what was to come. The karma of it all seems quite sad & coincidental that it would burn down almost a year to the day after the living owners passed on. Maybe some things are suppose to die with people, die with the secrets, & just burn.

It’s like having a planet to move to that was void of pollution & only dwelling in love, yet a tear still sheds to watch the Earth explode. They say home is where the heart is but no one’s heart is ever stagnant. It beats just like the rain against my window used to in my old bedroom on stormy nights.

I feel like I lost a member of my family. And I did. It was a 3 family home. My grandparents lived on the 2nd floor. My mom, brother & I moved from the 3rd floor to the 1st. My aunts & uncle grew up there and I had a plethora of cousins and friends to run up and down the stairs with. My last living grandparent passed on 11 months ago, my aunt passed on 3 wks before him & my step grandmother passed 4 yrs ago. My cousin who I grew up with took care of them all & buried them one by one. (Pray for her as  you read this.) The house had it’s time & so did we. So as I mourn it’s cement and walls, I become very clear on the memories it gave me & the stability my mother enforced within it.

As a mother myself I see ways to recreate my childhood with my children. Things that I want for them come directly from having special moments that mainly my mother conceived from thin air. We intuitively purchased a small Xmas tree to celebrate Xmas for Baby Light this past weekend. In the 7 years that my husband and I have been together we’ve never celebrated Xmas. All of a sudden though, I reminisced of colorful lights illuminating the corner of my old living room. The nostalgia of it all feels good. With time, my memories may fade a bit but I’m fortunate to be able to instill new memories with my newly created family. So as I reminisce over yesterday, I say yes to today to live better & brighter. R.I.P 661 we had an AMAZING run.

Who Are You Gonna Be Today?

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Married Life, Motherhood, Parenthood

It’s Been A Long Time..

I stopped praying at night many moons ago. I began to realize that I spoke with God all day throughout my travels so it became less needed (in my mind) to pray before bed. My soul has always had a spiritual connection to the world so I take heed when warranted. Tonight, I prayed. My mother taught me ‘Our Daily Bread’ at such a young age that even if I never said it again for decades, I’d still remember all the words. I used to say that prayer every night. Then I’d follow it up with blessings for my loved ones who’d passed & everyone else in the world who was alive. I always liked the feeling that I was praying for the world.

I stopped posting for awhile because I didn’t realize that I was about to experience my first summer with children. It’s amazing how you can just take subtleties of life for granted. It’s like one moment I’m in pain, unbeknownst that I’m falling in love. One day I’m in love unclear that I’m about to get married. Next day I’m married unaware I’m about to have full custody of my stepchild. Next month I’m a parent to one, oblivious to the fact that my womb is growing. And poof!!! There’s the family I dreamt of having ever so magically. Summer came & went. I had no forewarning that summers with children of your own could be so merciless! 😳 Finding extra meals to cook, having to listen to continuous blasphemy, all the extra funk, doing extra chores & that’s not even dealing with the children yet. 😋

Trying to comprehend a 15 yr old & 6 month old boy had it’s downfalls & it’s triumphs!!! I thought I lost my mind at many different intervals of the hours turned to days, turned to weeks, turned to months. My hair has grown out my blonde dye where deep dark black roots show. The stress from the children (I like to include my husband in with them) has added about two more gray strands. As Halloween creeps up, the summer just seems like a blur of days that rolled into my past. Seemingly, the boy has grown larger, he’s began his first steps & life is having this mundane effect.

I look forward to getting a chance to floss my teeth, take a long (uninterrupted) shower, wash my hair & possibly do a facial. I know better than to ask for a nap or good sleep. I know I won’t see that for some years to come. Something told me to get back to writing though. Get back to meditating. Get back to yoga. I knew somewhere I’d find me hiding… waiting to see what’s next. Women always have this moment where after they’ve had their children the question becomes “Who am I?”. It’s quite similar to a man having a midlife crisis. If I weren’t a wife, if I weren’t a mother, if I were not a daughter or relative or friend of any sort… Who would I be to myself for myself?

Sometimes when things seem too repetitive, too ordinary, just humdrum, maybe…

Maybe it’s just time to hibernate or as I believe, wait for the change to ‘ vibrate higher’ #Evolve. This caterpillar is sitting & waiting for wings. For now at least… I’ll sit quietly and pray.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” -Anais Nin

Who you gonna be today?

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Married Life, Motherhood, Parenthood

Yea This 1 Right Here Goes Out 2 All The Baby’s​ Daddies, Daddies, Daddies, Daddies…

It’s 4am & I can’t sleep. My son is using my arm as his pillow & the lethargic humidity has finally knocked my husband out. But I’m up unable to fall back asleep. Maybe the reason I can’t is because it’s Father’s Day.  It’s the 3rd Sunday of June & it’s an underappreciated day. So many bitter mothers have made this day seem as though they deserved it along with Mother’s Day or that it was a day undeserving of celebration but on the contrary it’s not.
My father was born in November of 1953. He had a different story than the one I could imagine living. He was raised in Jamaica & lost his own father to a frivolous event at the tender age of seven. I’m not quite sure what he made such a tragic event in his life mean but who he became as a father during my childhood was very special.
I remember many days believing that I needed to defend my father’s honor if anyone ever spoke ill of him. I remember the days I hung out in his arms with no cares in the world. He would come & take me to Brooklyn NY every weekend & summer. I got to experience NY in a completely different way. I was way more advanced in traveling than most of my class men. Getting away so often was a such a great experience for me as child. I think one of the best things he gave me were my older brothers. I had 3 growing up. Watching those boys getting into trouble inevitably turned me into a tomboy. I watched my father scold them about sagging pants. I watched my father try to be  a role model that inspired love, fear & respect to us as children.
It takes just one wrong move during that adolescent stage for a young person to become disappointed by their parents though. Sometimes as adults we can spend a lifetime never forgiving them for the story we made up in our minds about why they failed us. As the story goes on I’d forget all the times he said “I love you”  when no one else’s made a difference. All the times he picked me up when I fell down. All the times I wanted a dollar just to buy a ton of teeth rotting candy. All the times he let me roam free when I wanted to explore.  All those experiences of the rural 80’s in NYC that now look like the best nostalgia to me. I say thank you. For the mistakes that were made, the journey it took you on & the breakdowns on the way, I say thank you. For the effort that was given, the times I didn’t notice, the fights you put up as I became an adult, thank you. For the lessons you learned from your first little girl & the struggles you worked through trying to let me be free, thank you. For those times were I felt “safe!” Thank you. Thank you more than ever for giving me the chance to be a mother & bringing your grandson into this world. I could never repay you for giving me life but I’m grateful.
I know I don’t say it enough or show it enough but I luckily still have time to make up for those moments that I took for granted. As luck would have you’re still around and those flowers that you deserve will be coming soon. I love you Daddy. Happy Father’s Day.
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Married Life, Motherhood, Parenthood

Sometimes~

Sometimes I look at old pictures of myself & I get a little sad. Thinking about the freedom or smooth skin I took for granted at times. Replaced with this new body with fat in different places & brand new stretch marks that appear as though aliens landed on me while my baby was incubated inside. Mother’s Day was last weekend and I’ve chosen to learn how to disappear for next year. My plan was to leave all weekend and never give myself a chance to be disappointed. I have a 5 month old baby boy that is exclusively breastfed so that option became null and void quicker than I cared for. Even with my backups of frozen milk, I felt an uneasiness about using my last 3 bags for needed time spent alone. I haven’t had a moment to just be free with my thoughts in months. Each day begins with how & what to do to create the best possible living scenario for my husband & children on every aspect. I hate that my mind won’t ease up. I hate that I feel overwhelmed with ideals of pleasing others at all times. It begins to feel self depreciating.

You don’t get to choose your family. The best thing that you can do to be happy in the life you’ve been given is to raise your kids right. Problem is, you don’t get to choose your kids either. In some supernatural, spiritual realm, I do believe that we have chosen each path & life lived. Regardless of whether I feel I had a choice in the souls surrounding me, it’s clear that they would have been put there either way for a larger meaning.

I got two spiritual readings including a Reiki session while pregnant with Baby Light. All signs proved him to have chosen me & vice versa. It was said that he & I had been together in past lives. We had chosen each other again for this one.

I got alot of Mother’s Day texts from friends & family this year. Many people were congratulating me on Baby Light. I reminded anyone who suggested this was my first Mother’s Day that it technically was my 2nd considering I have been caring for my 15 yr old stepchild for 2 years now. My husband refers to Mother’s Day as a Hallmark holiday. My stepchild has trauma caused from the biological mother.

Every year thus far, Mother’s Day has been terrible. I’m not a huge person on gifts & such. I just like the idea of acknowledgement on a job well done. I could tell weeks in advance I was going to be disappointed so I planned on leaving the house alone. Since that didn’t happen, the day began with it’s normal disappointments. I awoke to a text message from the child asking for something (I didn’t want to be asked for anything). The text message inevitably got to saying Happy Mother’s Day but was watered down by the consistent need for something. My husband awoke and watched Netflix for an hour and a half while I breastfed the baby & tried to lure the little one back to sleep. The hubby never said Happy Mother’s Day. Instead, he asked “What do you want?” I replied “To just leave.” Finally I got the baby to sleep & tried to leave for the shower I rarely get to take.

Twenty mins later amidst a screaming baby, I had Baby Light back in my arms wishing I had put on deodorant before grabbing him. My husband looked at me with his concerned eyes. No comprehension of what was wrong. I planned on just running away possibly coming back in 12 hours, turning off my phone to escape everything. Not enough frozen milk for that plan to work though.

I just never knew. Everyone tells you how difficult your children can be but stepchildren… Stepchildren come with a different type of story. You get this person who you vow to take care of because they belong to your spouse but they come with their own baggage. They come with their own problems. They have their own growing pains that they’ve partly created & partly been inherited. What do you do when everything you’ve done to help them gets looked upon as failure or just isn’t acknowledged? What do you do when there are no longer any words of “thank you” or “hello”?

I stayed home for Mother’s Day & endured another day that didn’t look any different than the disappointment I face in my home everyday. And that’s the thing with mothers, there’s no break. Even in the midst of a breakdown, it’s seen as a failing moment. I told myself that I’d just keep pushing forward anyway. I never know what to expect from my children. I can only hope that one day it’ll all make sense & my work wasn’t in vain. I have my own soul searching to do through my parents’ journey. Putting myself in the shoes of the child, I comprehend the effects that those two people have on me. No stepparent can ever compare to the type of love & pain a child endures from their parents in my point of view. It’s deep seeded issues & unconditional love flow through like lava. No matter how much one may try to write off the psychological, emotional, physical & mental effects that are inherited from parents, it’ll keep coming up until it’s addressed & understood. As much as I comprehend this, it doesn’t make a difference in my household if my husband & stepchild don’t. It becomes a continuing cycle of the same song. “All around the world, the same song.” – Digital Underground. I sing songs to myself to find an easier coping method.

“Sometimes, wish I knew life with no pain, yeah
Wish I held the keys to this game
Sometimes, I pretend cuz I’m afraid to be, afriad to be” – Bilal

Who u gonna be today?

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Married Life, Motherhood, Parenthood

Little Boy

I’m raising a young black boy in America…

& it’s scary. At first I just felt like I needed to get through the pregnancy. Then came the third trimester & the realization set in that I’m going to be raising a black boy & I’m going to need help!

Some days​, that trimester turned into an insecurity of wondering what type of world my child would be born into. The worry of my husband making it home everyday is real. It’s no different than being the wife of a police officer. I’m married to a large black man that’s my big teddy bear. I’ve become so concerned with his safety that it’s just an inevitable feeling now. The climate of the world has always had its insecurities​. I’ve learned that each era there’s downfalls from each decade. The 2000’s began with 9/11 & the Iraq war. The 90’s began with the invasion of Kuwait which led to the Gulf War. The 80’s was the drug epidemic along with AIDS which took its toll on people in towns across the country. The 70’s was the post murder era of many great leaders of our free country i.e. JFK, MLK, Malcolm X & soldiers of the Vietnam War. The 60’s was the revolution against everything because the country had gone mad believing they could control us. The 50’s was segregated & the beginning of a 20 year war in Vietnam. The 40’s was during the Hiroshima bombing & so on & so on. And of course let’s not forget how racism sat it’s ugly little face in the front row to watch it all. Every time a woman realizes she’s “with child” there’s a piece of her that wonders if she’s bringing the child into the right time in the world or even the right country. It’s a scary place to live & be with your thoughts. I’m grateful to have a strong man in my life yet my concerns for his safety run deep as well.

We live in a Black Lives Matter era now where our government is setup for failure. They fail us everyday in so many ways that it’s too many to keep up with. I’m stuck raging against the machine in moments when I’d rather do yoga & meditate. We’re all trying to be heard in this era i.e. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, etc. The question is “Will your words begin a movement?”.

We need to learn how to use one another to stand up. My village ranges from people I never see to others who check in weekly. Create a group of people with like minds & achieve greatness. It could be a health conscious group for healthy living. Join an exercise app that helps you keep at it by choosing a partner for accountability. I get motivational texts every morning Monday through Friday to motivate me to keep writing this blog. http://www.daily.shinetext.com is a great way to motivate the “you” you want to be. Everything takes one day at a time. You can’t rush greatness.

I’m the strength you do not see when he walks alone. I’m the love he finds behind closed doors. I’m the affection he seeks when no one is around. I am the mother. The wife. The sister. The friend. The lover. The confidant. The homemaker. The womb for souls that we breathe life into. My family & friends are those connections that make me push harder. I don’t have the answer for tomorrow but I hope I did enough today to be the change for it​.

Who you gonna be today?

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Married Life, Motherhood, Parenthood

Torrential Downpours…

The day that I found out I was pregnant was April Fool’s day. I kinda wasn’t interested in finding out for awhile because although we were trying to conceive, we were so broke that I often couldn’t comprehend why I even was bothering. We’d gotten married a year before & married life didn’t look “shit!” like I thought it would. Let’s sum up what happened within two months of being married so you feel my pain.

Five days before my wedding I was terminated from my (somewhat) comfy job as a restaurant manager where I’d been for 6 yrs. They let me go a day after my work anniversary. In between tears to my now ex bosses, I asked if I would still be receiving my vacation pay considering I actually made it to my anniversary. They gave it to me although I knew I had earned it regardless. (Although they later on tried to take it back!) My wedding was supposed to be this amazing event that I created without a wedding planner or caterer. It was a 4/20 Hip Hop Wedding. Since it was during cherry blossom season I decided I wanted to get married underneath the Cherry Blossom Trees in Eastside Park ( the park I grew up in as a child). Plus it had been a childhood dream of mine to be married there. The only way I believed it wouldn’t happen was if there was a torrential downpour. The night before the wedding forecasts showed there would be a torrential downpour 😳😳😳……………………… So as I prepared to go to my reception venue to have the wedding there (as a backup plan), I arrived that morning to a flooded building! I don’t even want to discuss how when I went the day before to set up, there were 2 parties going on (one had a blowup jungle gym) along with a woodshop class happening in my area! My venue promised me I’d have it a day earlier to setup. The woodshop class happened throughout my wedding by the way! We set up while being soaked and many of the guests never arrived. Anywho that story is for another day. After the wedding ( because I never hired a caterer or a planner) we had to break the entire venue all the way back down and return products and such everywhere. We had almost 200 people attend. We weren’t done until 5am returning everything. The next day we were supposed to fly out to Vegas for our honeymoon. We missed our flight which happened to be the last flight of the night ( causing a $250 fee to change flights). I cried myself to sleep that night. We flew out the next morning and had an amazing 3 wk stay in an awesome town with awesome people! But what was going to happen when I came back home? My mind wouldn’t let me commit to just having a good time. I needed to file for unemployment with a 3 hour time difference & try to figure my way out of a jam I felt like I created. Thank God for husbands & particularly mine. He kept me calm throughout the entire experience & made me remember why I loved him each step of the way.
When we got back home we had 3 wks to move out of our apartment. We lived there for 3 years & planned on moving into my mother’s house so we could inevitably take it over once she retired in a year. We also wanted to have a bigger space for my husband’s daughter Robyn. Initially I never wanted to do so much all at once. Moving 3 wks after a honeymoon sounded insane but considering I had no job & my lease was up I had all the time in the world to get this done. We ended up moving out with no one to help us move a single piece of furniture. A one day job took us three and it rained on our heads the entire time. After we moved into our new home (my home from my teenage years) my stepdaughter graduated from 8th grade three weeks later & basically never returned to her mother’s home. I officially became a stepmother. And there you have the two months that came in the case of a torrential downpour.

I’d lived my life so care free most of the time. I never had to be too concerned with anyone other than my happiness. I’ve always been able to fumble backwards into the sheer terror of being an actual adult. It’s like once you have children you don’t get that luxury anymore. It doesn’t matter what age they come to you as. Your responsibility becomes all about them & less about you.

The first month of highschool was tough for Robyn & a huge adjustment for me. In the first week Robyn decided to tell us that they wanted their major changed from medical arts to graphic arts. The challenges of all the newness going on for me, this child & my husband was beyond overbearing. Not to mention we lived with my mother only a doorstep away. Was this the life I signed up for? Was this how it was going to be for me now? I had a 13 yr old child going on 14 who at times seemed like they were going on 10! How could I raise someone else’s child? I barely could comprehend myself.

I stopped taking my birth control a month before my wedding. It wasn’t on purpose though. Somehow I changed my insurance coverage to a plan that made my pills cost $427 for a pack of 3. I damned near almost shit my pants at the price and began crying. This was 3 months before my wedding. I couldn’t even begin to fathom where the money would come from to pay it. So I stopped taking my pills. Once we got a child in the house I had to question if I wanted another. As pleasant as my stepchild was, this was no walk in the park. Life became cleaning up after a child that was larger than me! It meant extra dishes. Never having a meal that completely belonged to myself. Opening a box of cereal to see a quarter bowl of wackness. Drips of milk left in cartons for my despair. One egg left in a carton for my breakfast. Filthy rooms that reeked of a new smelling sweat. Extra laundry. Sharing all my toiletries including my shaving supplies, my hair supplies, my special soap I bought at that festival that I wanted to use for a special occasion!! Did I want to share my life this way!?!?!? I’d like to say Hell to the MFn NO!!! You take everything about a partner when you marry them though. But could I deny my husband what we both agreed upon wanting?? Another child to start from scratch with. I couldn’t choose the sex of the child??? Hmmmmm. After much hesitation I decided that if I were going to have a child that I needed to start working on it no matter the consequences. No matter the financial struggles, no matter the costs! I wasn’t getting any younger. That was November of 2015 by March I was pregnant. In the words of the Wu-Tang Clan, “Life as a shorty shouldn’t be so rough.” I had 9 months to figure out what I would do to support this seed I was growing. I needed to figure out how to survive.

April Fool’s bitch! U pregnant today! This was the first April Fool’s day I stayed offline. No need in tricking people into me being pregnant when I really was. The entire time since we’d gotten married people began keeping tabs on my vagina & it’s occupancy specifically in my uterus. I wasn’t here for it in 2016. I was about go “Ghost” on social media because this was about to be the adjustment of a lifetime! And this baby growing in my belly had better been a boy because I definitely didn’t need an extra period in the house!😳😳 I began drinking a ton of akaline water & praying for a boy! A year later I’m sitting here trying to adjust to this little person that’s completely attached to me. As much as I’d like a break, I’m still memorized by this little creation. I guess torrential downpours can be something that pushes you into a new state of Light per se. And this year April Fool’s day is still null and void because I’m still trying to catch my breath.

Who you gonna be today?

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