Sometimes I wonder if I’m settling in my life.
I look at where I am and I question alot of things. I wonder if I had gotten a better education for myself would I have still been in my predicament. If my parents had shown me better tools and a bit more love and understanding would I have been better off in life? Sometimes the most realest part about coming to terms with your outcomes is realizing that there isn’t anyone else to blame for who you are except… yourself.
I know many women in my life who are beautiful and successful in their fields of work, yet still looking for love, still hoping for children. Not everyone needs those things to be whole but it’s definitely force fed to us that life isn’t life without marriage & procreation. I believe that it gets redundant dealing with idiots all day, hoping to find the right idiot for you. It begins to feel like having it all isn’t real. Something has always got to give. If you work the job you love (or don’t love), with long hours most of the time, there’s no time for the kids or spouse. If you’re home with the kids, there’s a possibility that you never see anyone but the kids with barely any love life. If you have kids there’s a probability that you may not have much time with your spouse. In order for it to all work, you hire a nanny or an au pair or a maid to help keep it all together. So you get someone to help take care of your children and the children are then being raised by someone else while you work more hours to pay for the extra services. There’s just no winning. And now I’m tired.😥
It’s always been easy for me to find a reason for someone else to be at fault for my shortcomings. It’s been my “go to” when I failed at life. I didn’t finish college because no one helped me learn how to spend or save $ correctly. I didn’t focus on my writing completely because I didn’t have the support from my family to see my futuristic vision. I spent my entire 20’s stressing about credit because I put myself in extreme debt by 20. I’m in debt because no one taught me the economics of money. You begin to realize there’s a common denominator. I’m not interested in playing the fool to myself anymore. Even that job gets tiring. We’re all here fighting about so many issues. It’s the poor vs. the rich, the black vs. the white, the man vs. the woman yet we fail to realize that life is inevitably about the wins & the loses. You learn some of the greatest lessons from your loses & it makes the wins that much sweeter.
Everyone wants a say, in how we choose to live our lives, especially the government. They govern our lives. They’re quick to defend the embryo, with a thousand words of protection yet there isn’t as much concern for a child’s well being when they’ve been born. They spend all that time being concerned with what’s growing in a woman’s womb yet the concerns diminish when that child is born, or becomes 6 months old, or 5 years old, or 10, or 15, or 19. If a child is put into the system ran by the government it isn’t a good thing. No one feels at ease about putting children into a government program ran through oppression. Yet we allow them to tell exactly when they should become involved in a dynamic (called family) that they know nothing of. We’re at this point where children are marching for their lives to matter. My inner child watches in awe. I am the silent misled youth of the past looking on and wondering if they’ll make a difference this time.
I never expected much to change in life. I figured men would always be allowed to have the upper hand, people of color would always be dealt the wackest hand & I’d probably fall somewhere in the middle.
Yet now I’m raising a little black boy and I’ve all of a sudden, seen the wrong in my ways of thinking. I see how the world has changed. I hope to be the change I see in the world. It’s scary out there but I’m not as old as I feel. I saw over 10 gray hairs on my head this morning. I guess my hair is showing my age along with my knees.😔 My little boy though, he’s here to show me growth, in the most astounding yet silent way. I just can’t see it yet. It’s like standing on the ground and when u finally get to look at the entire picture, you finally see the Earth, the stars & the universe possibly. What’s really amazing is that the universe is living individually within each of us, we’re just too busy to notice.
I’m just ready to get to the bigger picture. Because this hump I been living on has got me feeling like the ground is too soft & I’m beginning to feel like it’s quicksand turning into the concrete. Something’s sparking change & I’m quite interested in seeing where it’ll take me.